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As I started down the aisle, just as I got ready to dive into the seat next to Jared, the three hundred and fifty pound behemoth three passengers ahead of me, sat down next to Jared. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do. I sat down across the aisle from the budding Buddha and stewed. I was pissed beyond belief. Why the fuck would this fat asshole want to destroy my X-mas wish by sitting down next to my husband. Was this guy gay or something?I couldn't believe that the spirit of Christmas had set me up like that just to dash my hopes. Somewhere up in the clouds, the spirit of Christmas was probably laughing her ass off at me.Then things got even worse. A young woman walked down the aisle. Even I noticed her as she got on the plane. She had the long blond hair and big giant eyes and the big everything else. Big obviously fake boobs, a small high pitched voice and a habit of laughing at things that weren't remotely funny if the person who said them was male. Even the flight attendants. She looked up her eyes pleading to be heard and said,” I’ll make you a deal, I’ll give you the best sexual experience of your life. The best sexual experience I am capable of delivering. You can have me, as a willing participant, to satisfy your ever y need. On the condition that once we share this time together, you will allow me to present you a proposal. If that proposal is not to your liking, then you pull the trigger, and walk out. You will have the wonderful memories of my last moments on earth as your prize. Or you could have a lifetime of the same memories. You decide, and I will be, or cease to be, it’s your decision.” She looked me in the eye and must have concluded what I was thinking. She said “ I am not looking to scam you, or distract you and make a getaway. I am not looking to disarm you or dissuade you. You can hold your piece against my head the entire time if you like. If you decide that you want to take my offer, please remember that I want just five full minutes.
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